Saturday, February 23, 2013

6 Weeks Strong

Wow! I believe I can now be called an ex smoker!! I haven't felt the need to post for a while I have been so interested in all the controversy surrounding e cigs! I think I can state with confidence that as long as e cigs are available I will stay an ex smoker  no need for smelly smokes with this wonderful invention!! It is great even works when you are at a friend's house drinking!! Just vape no need for a smoke!!

I was rereading my earlier blogs lots of pain in them but I have pushed thru and wow! I am an ex smoker now.  True I vape it fills the need the urge the craving all the things that make so many ex smokers start anew. If the powers that be ever DO decide to ban them then we all know the truth---it is not people or lives they care about it is power control greed and money.  That would be terribly sad.  I do get tired of those weird remarks about they are unsure what is in these huh excuse me? It is obvious!  What they are unsure about even after all the years of study is what is in analog smokes.  Scary stuff!!

I am not going to worry about vaping at all it works for me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Thoughts about e cigs

To those who care I am NOT pushing ecigs onto anyone but smokers like me who need to quit.  It works for me it has been almost a full month without for me and my kids have already noticed a difference in me.  I no longer cough a lot.  I no longer need to use my inhaler at all. The yellow stains on my fingers are gone! I can smell! I could NOT use the patches, etc. but I can use these!  I have met on line hundreds more like me that have quit with these. When something works really works with easily identifiable ingredients easily tested why is there so much controversy? Don't they want us to finally be able to quit for good? I wonder especially when I read what is going on with all those who should be happy we are finally able to move away from smoking for good. Honestly I still havent heard any good reasons to ban these what they need to do is support them for people like me instead of the "big pharmacy" items that do not work!

So many of us wonder why the FDA, the strong anti smoking groups, the American lung association so many more why are you so down on these? Instead of really checking into them see if they do work as so many of us former smokers say they do they out right reject them and insist we use all their standard treatments and programs that flat out do not work for most of us!

It makes NO sense.  So we come up with the simple answers that do make sense--it all comes down to money, power and control.  All of you make money off our addictions and hey! smokers are now so beaten up it is fairly easy to add on more taxes to "help us" or to supposedly teach kids not to smoke or so on. 

These groups seem to need to have us smoking for their bottom line.  Can any of you deny that?

I am not an activist I am just an older woman who would like to have a few extra years so maybe someday I will be able to play with my future grandchildren.  I don't care about politics.  I cry over the news especially when some tragedy happens to children. I am convinced smoking is terrible I lost my husband to lung cancer!  I have cleaned walls covered in yellow yuk.  I have seen the same stains on my own fingers.  I switched long ago to outside smoking. I have asthma.  I was coughing a lot!  I was waking up chocking many times a night!  I had to sleep with a air cleaner next to me just to breathe while laying down! I knew it was killing me!!

But now already it is better! So much better.  I can smell the nasty smell when my nephew comes in after having a smoke and I am shocked I used to smell that bad! I have not used my asthma inhaler for 3 weeks! So many changes for me in such a short time.

So I ask again how can you deny this lifesaving gift and want to ban, ridicule deny it helps? Why can't you simply ask us the people it helps and embrace the new technology instead of staying stuck in the dark ages of forcing us to still smoke because we cannot quit your way!

Monday, February 4, 2013


I was talking with my kids last night and suddenly remembered I have forgotten to use my prescription allergy nose sprays for a while and haven't needed my inhaler for several weeks now! My chest no longer gets that horrible tightness, I am no longer coughing, and I can smell all sorts of things.  Wow! 

Rick is so shocked about how easy it was for him to quit this time he has tried everything patches, pills, gum--name it if it was supposed to help he tried it but these e cigs are so much different.  We are still getting the hand to mouth action, the "smoke" to help you think clearer the nicotine so there are no major withdrawals all without all of the bad stuff in cigarettes.  My biggest problem right now is my nephew Tim who tried my toranado twist loved the "smoke" ordered one for himself but keeps using mine until his comes in!  With that who needs a "real" cigarette?

I am a total e cig convert.  I will admit my kids did get me one long ago when they first came out but it was much harder to use then I liked it but couldnt get a good draw off it and kept getting my mouth full of crud.  I have kept it and kept the idea in the back of my mind well with all the improvements the new cartridge systems etc it is a done deal for me now.I like the idea of varying amounts of nicotine I know the FDA insists there is no different in low tar/low nicotine versions of smokes and full flavor but there is!  I switched to light smokes 25 years ago and could not handle the heavier concentrations which is the reason I suspect the patches etc  made me so sick!  With these different concentrations of nicotine I can use a lower dose one which works great for me keeps me content and focused!

Truthfully the anti smoking groups spout a lot of stuff any heavy smoker knows is not true anyway like the above example of no difference between light and full flavor smokes. Why do scare tactics and half truths in their ads now instead of simple straight forward facts? Why stupid graphic stuff on a pack of smokes? Uh excuse me? Don't they know a real smoker rarely LOOKS at the damn pack? I smoked for over 40 years and while I know there are warnings all over the pack I cannot tell you what they say I kept the damn pack in a case! I barely glanced at it and then only to quickly rip the pack/carton open so I could shove it into my mouth!  Get real! And now instead of accepting even embracing new technology that will save lives they look down their noses and want to ban this too!

Simple truth everything in life involves risks. While smoking heavily I kept telling everyone that.  It is true we don't know what will happen.  We all come with built in expiration dates.Life is stressful.  We all have varying ways to cope some overeating (which I also did) some drugs some risky dangerous sports the list is endless. We need to have less risky options too.  We have to share this world so many people now feel a sense of entitlement the "do as I say as I want" with strict rules and codes rigid unyielding no compromise.Sure wish they would accept that others have rights too .  There are just way too many laws rules and regulations all designed to make us fit into a carefully controlled box. And violence is exploding way out of bounds. There is no tolerance for being different anymore. No respect for being an individual ...I often wonder if the intolerance is what makes it worse more of the monkey see monkey do mentality of violence. In schools it is no longer acceptable that people have different kinds of smart some are hand some creative some book smart to name a few. More later I am depressing myself

Sunday, February 3, 2013

E smokes

Ok they keep going on about how ecigs are unproven dangerous whatever but they refuse to listen to REAL people those of us who are long term HEAVY smokers who have QUIT smoking real cigs with these after trying all the medically approved useless crap!  E cigs WORK! Bottom line they are breaking the smoking addictions in so many of us!  They are safer than real cigs--that is common sense! I have quit cold turkey for 3 full weeks this time because of e cigs I have no desire to ever smoke a real cig again! I was ready to go back to them when my non smoking kids brought me one and asked me to try it.  It works!  Aren't the thousands like me and many of my friends proof enough that this silly little device works? If all the non smoking groups truly wanted us to quit they would support these things!  My doctor does but then he cares about me as his patient as real living human being not just some abstract silly argument like the "ban e smokes" groups do.  Simple fact these work!

So why are they the powers that be trying to ban something that really does work to help us quit this smoking addiction? Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm


I have come to the conclusion all the controversy about  e cigs is not health reasons at all flat out we all know they are so much safer than smoking and I do not believe cause any 2nd hand smoke since there is no smoke.

The simple truth to me and others is They want Power, Control and of course money. They do not care that these crazy things help us to quit smoking or at least cut down to one or two a day(a few friends yes still do 1 or 2 but way down from 2+ packs daily).  I have had several people friends of friends etc contact me now desperate--as I was--to quit and having terrible side affects from what is "approved" treatments as I did. The simple truth is these things help.  They help a lot.With them I can quit smoking cigarettes.  Some friends are so amazed and thrilled since they can too.  Simple facts from real people. The huge organizations opposing something that IS helping us with their lame excuses is appalling. You want people to quit smoking? Then why not listen to us to the smokers trying so hard to quit!

3 Weeks!

Ok I made it this far!!  All I can really say is wow!  And I am so glad they now make e smokes!! The other nicotine replacements do not work well at all they do not satisfy they give bad headaches they (at least for me) made me ill all day.

I  have been reading pros and cons on the e smoke debate.  All the naysayers go on about it being "unproven" harmful" addictive" and even says it is encouraging smoking for minors gasp!! Ok people lets address these issues with common sense which it seems to me most of you do not bother to use anymore.

First harmful---uh excuse me? Is there anything about tobacco products that isn't harmful?  Isn't that the whole point of quitting?? They cause extreme harm.  They release thousands of toxic chemicals. They cause thousands of deaths each year.

Second--unproven umm well more and more people I personally know swear by them because they have tried so many times under medically approved ways to quit and failed! Many of us suspect the real problem is all the bigger ups havent got their huge hands in this pocket yer.  Products like patches, gums, etc are EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have lots of lozenges and patches left I will never use and they cost me a lot to buy in the first place!  My first sample of an e cig cost me less than half of either of those products and helped me decide what will work for me. I honestly believe the whole REAL true arguement against is they want to have their hands in the pockets to raise the price.

Anti smoking groups hate them because they mimic the act of smoking.  So what? Would you rather have to walk thru clouds of smoke?

And as for encouraging kids to smoke...ok easy way to solve this problem Call them a QUIT smoking device!! Gee! Make it uncool a granny/grandpa thing! Something to help us old folks!

Why do so many groups have to make a mountain out of this molehill?  With enough support for these things to break our addiction for the real thing ALL you anti smoking groups will get what you say you really want!  A world without smoking! It is new technology ah gee so was a phone, computer loads of other items at one time.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

2 weeks!!

Well here is a 1st ever for me 2 full weeks without a smoke!!! Absolutely amazing!!!!Lol most people would never have believed this heck I didnt think I'd ever quit!!

I do get worried about switching one addiction to another so I am monitoring my e smokes but dont think it will be a problem its more like something to take the edge off like the patch and lozenges were supposed to do but failed miserably. Figure I will give myself a month or two on them and then get rid of them.  I am on the medium doze of nicotine with them next time will get the lowest and I think after several weeks on that go to the cartridges with no nicotine  and then set them aside for only when I need something lol it will still be hand/mouth pacifier action but just a mist. All I have to say is they help a great deal so I am glad they are now available. In my opinion they can outlaw smokes and simply promote the e cig once you get used to the way they work its a great substitute.

I havent written in this thing for several days just being lazy and lol not really thinking as much on smoking anymore.  I have identified several reasons why I smoked--it gave me something to do outside.  For example I'd go outside smoke, walk around, read...while waiting for people in the store or whatever I'd walk around outside enjoying a smoke.  Unless it is raining hard  really cold and blowy I rather enjoy being outside walking around. I have now given myself permission just to go walk around without a smoke.  And soon I will be able to grow my tomatoes again so another good thing.  The real test will be sitting outside reading...without a smoke.  That was so automatic and such a joy.  With my kindle during warm months I could read as long as I wished didnt have to worry about light. I'd stay out for hours...well I can still do that.  Still will be so nice outside smelling all my flowers with my kindle and no worries about a stray wind sending smoke into my eyes! Hum but have to do something about mosquitoes lol my smokes would mostly keep them away won't have that anymore!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Day 10

I am kind of up in arms again!  Lawmakers are excitedly proposing another new $1 a pack tax hike on cigarettes this time to supposedly finance scholarships yea right. Just like all the other tax hikes are supposed to be used for certain things and wind up going into raises for ones who are already making good money not the grunts who really do the work.

And this tax hike is simply another way to punish poor addicted people gee for being poor and addicted.  All the dumb ass arguments like the price hikes keep teens from smoking re total bs.  Or the ones that are supposed to fund all sorts of quit smoking programs yea right! It is also funny when the tax programs do not pass it is all big tobacco's fault the greedy lawmakers never think that gee maybe it is enough for now? Maybe the poor working person is tired of being punished?

Ah hell glad I have quit. Lol and when their new tax does not provide as much revenue as they expect we will all hear all these endless complaints about internet sales or heck probably more on the e smokes and how heavy they should now be taxed.  Or wow even the quit smoking patches/lozenges/gum whatever. Some bright fool will add a hidden fee on all the helpful items designed to ease our discomfort just like they always do.  Just another way of ripping off poor hardworking people who are addicted and use cigs to cope.  Governments dont care if people smoke or not they just want a cash cow.  And right now smoking is the evil bad guy it used to be drinking. We are all going to die so that argument didnt work to well but most of us cant bear the idea of taking out others so that is where 2nd and 3rd hand smoke came from.

Seems to me we get spoon fed all sorts of lies and propaganda these days thru out news sources--how many times has total bs been touted as the truth? Even when later proven to be false the damage is done. We are all sheep follow the latest guidelines.  Crap that is so true look at all the horror stories nowdays about these awful school shootings. One insane individual causes a nightmare which in turns inspires another. Seems to go in waves.  Hell why dont we encourage smoking for them maybe it would give them an outlet so they dont feel the need to hurt our babies. Oh heck maybe they could calm down and if they still feel the need to hurt someone well they can practice on themselves.

Now I have gone off my smoking stuff into nightmares. I just get so tired of our children being hurt!! We cut school funding force kids to study mainly for standardized testing take away so much that engages kids like art, music programs. The children are what is important!! Not some old fart like me smoking. or trying to stop.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 9 I want a smoke!

Thought the worse is supposed to be over in a week  yea right.  I went along with that fallacy before when Bob had his heart attack he was using patches while in the hospital and I made sure he had some for when he came home but he couldn't do it.  It is hard.  I had always felt so guilty by not somehow forcing, insisting whatever about our smoking.Well heck...we did agree after that to smoking only in our room or outside so I guess that was something. We did become closer than ever we knew life can and does get cut short and you can lose someone you love in a heartbeat. He did survive the widowmaker and we got to have 12 more years together.

In truth I have never believed his cancer was caused  by smoking alone.  He did a lot of remolding work removed a lot of old asbestos laden floors, ceilings etc in old houses all over in addition to when his former boss got contracts to remove flooring in the prisons and a few postal offices.Bob was the guy who followd along the other guy so he got full exposure.  It was before a lot of the safety measures in place now...he didnt even wear a simple nose mask most of the time.He'd come home covered in stuff and have to take a shower.  Asbestos used to be so common when I was a kid we would play in the old barn with sheets of wallboard made of the stuff. There was tons!  And yes it often broke apart so I know we all breathed in quite a bit!  Bob did all of the removal work plus his constant work on car brakes and such...well along with smoking and family tendency to lung cancer ....enough said.

For me I just cannot use the patches I get really bad headaches and chest pain with them so I am stuck with only my e smoke to help with severe cravings.  It helps...I really can't understand the controversy about e cigs. to me and other smokers it is a better way to ease away from smoking than patches/lozenges/gum etc,,,but many stern medical professionals want them banned/regulated whatever gee I guess because they are not in control of them.  Doctors themselves are more accepting they go with whatever works to get people to stop smoking period. And if e smokes help well my doc approves.  But I have read about big groups so down on it citing all sorts of stupid "facts" like it still is hand to mouth thing and they want to discourage that and how lozenges/gum have built in delays to remove a person from dependence of smoking all sorts of blah blah!! Ok simple truth!  So many smokers are unable with your methods of patch/lozenges/gum hell the medical profession even has a mist/inhaler themselves.What is wrong at all with another method to help people to quit?  Truth is I would not have lasted this long without it!

In all honestly those many years ago when Bob tried..I believe he would have succeeded with an e cig added to his patch for desperate times.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Fresh week

Well dinner was fun we went to Chillis and I might have had a bit too much pomegranate margaretta   but sure was yum!! Lol!  Still not smoking! Being out like that in a place where there is no smoking allowed drinking and NOT smoking is not a problem but at a friends??  Better not try that for a long while yet!

I am really having troubles with the patch!!  I put it on it itches like crazy and then a bad headache!  I plain dont feel well with it on so the last 2 days I seem to have to take it back off fairly fast! Guess the level is to high for me but it said the 21 mg patch was right for a pack + a day smoker!! Well it's not!

I figured out a good thing about Tim still smoking--instead of making me want want it is reinforcing my desire to quit!  He is careful, goes outside  and usually takes the dog so he is in the yard while smoking where it is windy.  But when he comes in wow!  It really does smell!! Often it is not just around him but the smell goes all across the house!! I am at the point where I can often tell smokers now! It reminds me of high school before I started smoking full time when you could never go inside a bathroom without reeking of smoke coming out!I remember my Latin teacher getting upset with one of the most popular girls in school who was also a non-smoker accusing her of being a smoker when she can to class directly from the restroom .

Actually I can think of many times smoking seems stupid but since I was one seems stupider to complain!  Once at bingo the ventilation system broke down.  The man running the session that night suggested we try to take it easy and limit ourselves but hey! is there anything more frustrated than being on 3 ways and they still dont call your number??  Anyway it got so bad you didn't even need to light up to smoke.  It was against all rules and security but they had to open a big roll up door and post security guards there.  Gotta say it was bad because it WAS being inside a smoke filled building !!

Anyway we smokers tend to ignore all the unpleasant stuff just like druggies do in the midst of their addictions or foodies with theirs..the list goes on!  We try not to think of the cost, we don't notice the smell. we rationalize the health risks, even when it hits home like Bob's lung cancer or heart attacks. My kids were both premies which has been linked to heavy smoking even though back then we could go into the waiting room and smoke. But to be honest we were warned about risks of smoking but didn't want to believe . Still don't! It is a whole lot easier to go on with what is comfortable the norm.  It is hard when it makes us so uncomfortable to try and change for the better so we revert.  I am good on addictions!  But with smoking I simply have to treat it the same as my food one--day by day.  I do know it gets easier in time.  My main concern is I can still sometimes pig out on a special fave but I do know I can never smoke again or all I am going thru now will be in vain.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

7 postscript

I have been in a pissy mood today out of sorts and wanting a smoke bad.  It was because of deciding not to use a patch today I am just not ready yet for that too so I have one on now and hopefully will feel better soon!  Guess it is better to rely on them instead of have a smoke a whole lot less chemicals involved.

Wow I posted simply today makes 7 days without a smoke for me on fb and I am shocked at the response!  I sure have a lot of people who care so I need to keep plugging along.

Day 7

OMG!! It is the 7th day of my not smoking adventure!! Tonight we are all going out to dinner to celebrate!! No matter what else I have this a smoke free week!!Humm wonder if I can make it 2 weeks??  Lol the adventure continues!  Ups and downs I sometimes want a smoke so bad  so I take a few puffs off this e smoke thing then deep breathe til it passes.  I need to learn some more coping techniques I don't want to switch one dependance to another as far as I am concerned my e smoke is just a temporary crutch to help me right now.I am too too worried for the first month but after that I want to get off all the nictione products.  I have 2 weeks more of patches then I will quit them and perhaps the e smoke for up to a month beyond.  Then again I dont think I will use the patches much longer dont care too much for them.

It is funny I have thought about quitting since I was 16 smoking full time I'd run out at night and half ass think I'd go without the next day but one wiff of someone else's and I'd be back. The withdrawal symptoms were (and still are!) very uncomfortable.  Like a hunger along with dizziness, dullness of the mind many other things.  A smoker gets so uncomfortable with out one in the hand! It is a comfort and a crutch..I once saw something where they liken a smoke to a baby's pacifier and in truth it is part that also. It gives you something to DO with your hands.  It gives you a few seconds to think before you speak.  It is a great tool for someone like me who is basically shy and slow to warm up. It helps bond you to other smokers since nowdays we are all objects of scorn!!!! It seems to me that smokers are looked down on more than drunks like we kill more people with all the 2nd hand 3rd had bullshit being thrown about.  Smoking true does shorten most smokers lives. But the claim that anyone who ever smoked one cigarette or is around anyone who smokes is an automatic death sentence?? Come on!  The medical industry used to advocate smoking to lose weight! I remember being a kid and my Mom was up in arms because her doctor suggested she try the "stinky things" as an appetite suppressant!

One thing I do miss about my younger years is we seemed to have more tolerance for others than now where so many expect others to follow their rules.  Kids could express some simply personal choices like hair color in many shades or t shirts.  Just because you personally didnt like something didnt mean it should automatically be banned! Intolerance seems to rule the day now. People are not allowed to be different.  Kids especially need to have simple ways to express their own individually not be part of the herd and yet in schools we ban this simple need.  We insist they dress a certain way behave certain ways.  We make them study for testing and have very few programs in place to capture their imaginations their hearts.  We are forcing them into clones of each other--cattle easily herded.  Free creative thinking different ways to be are now discouraged.  Before kids were allowed to be kids--running noisy etc such wonderful things! Kids still got to go with their passions!  Now if a kid has trouble in school yet loves a sport well they are not allowed to play the sport until they improve.  Kind of a catch-22 for them.  They lose interest in school. The rigid structures we have on everything leaves them no place to excel.

Ah hell I could go on but no one cares really.  We all seem to think we are in the right doing it our own wy and be damned to others!  Intolerance rules.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 6

Well this is the longest time I have gone without a cigarette since I was at least 16 that was when I became a full time smoker before it was just a few puffs here and there. For over 40 years I have been a smoker freaking weird that I no longer am! Well in a way I still am I do puff that e cigarette when I really really need a hit.  All the controversy about those is pretty damn stupid if u ask me.  The simple FACT is out of all the various nicotine replacement items--gum, lozenges, patches etc--and this is not only coming from me but many ex smokers I know !  the e cigarette helps the most.It is a heavier cigarette and glows a different color since we dont light it but it delivers a hit of nicotine to smoker's just as a smoke would without all the other chemicals. It has no stinky smell. I think I can use them for a while and eventually give up all the smoking type crutches. Rick has told me this is the easiest he has ever had and he has tried many times to quit and used damn near everything on the market and by prescription. Tim actually quit for months before with these things and is now seriously thinking of buying one again.  There are several types on the market each with pros and cons.  I think they are a great crutch for people trying to quit they help meet so many needs we smokers have.  Yes it still takes determination and focus to quit the real things.  These are not the same BUT a good substitute. They don't taste nasty like gum and lozenges and you can take a couple of puffs right after a meal which is one time we need the darn things most! With that thing sitting on my desk waiting for when I have to absolutely have to have a smoke----well I am hopeful I will make it

The boys had bought me a 2 cartridge starter kit and I am still on the 1st one.  I had tried one several years ago and liked it at first but that kind you had to add the liquid to cotton yourself and sometimes yuk! the stuff would go all over your mouth.  They were a lot harder to deal with that now all I have to do is plug the end into a port on my computer after unscrewing the cartridge and let it charge for a while each morning then screw back in the cartridge and it is good to go all day! I don't need to take it with me when I go out my gum and cough drops work well for me for several hours.  With this e smoke I think I might survive the 2nd week of this!!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Day 5 A bit better

I woke up feeling pretty good today think I am getting my temporary routine down get up coffee patch first things lol.  I never smoked until after a cup or two of coffee not like Tim does or Bob did wake up and shove that puppy straight in the mouth. But I do admit after a few cups I miss my smokes though the morning cravings are not too bad.  It's the ones after a meal that really do me it.

I started with a total of 21 patches and I am not sure if I will use them all.  Seems to me after I first put this puppy on  it itches like crazy for a short time makes me want to jump up and go smoke...then after a while it simple settles down and I forget it is on. I didn't use one the second day think I kind of od on day 1 with the patch lozenges and ecig...good thing I was a heavy smoker lol!  Got a really sharp headache took the patch off and mellowed out on the nicotine crap til I felt better.Now it is the patch a few hits off the esmoke here and there plus lots of hall's cough drops with the vapor action or mentos gum--seems I need stuff that fillls my mouth/nose with a vapor type thing.  Probably because I was a menthol smoker--Rick has no such need. But then he chows down sunflower seeds like crazy personally I never could handle the shells yuk!

Rick is a dear old friend of mine I have known him and his sister since high school. Sadly she died a few years ago but Rick and I are close.  We fight like crazy at times and yet are fiercely loyal almost like brother/sister lol. We have gone back and forth for years about quitting for good,,,and this time we are doing it.  It is nice to have someone to call/text and bitch to or yell at for getting me into this mess!  I would still be happily..well..definitely smoking if he hadn't started this.  Since he is a truck driver on the road most of the time I can't kill him for getting me in this messs lol so maybe in a month or so I will buy him dinner at Joe's and say thank you...of course that will probably give him a heart attack!

My kids and I went shopping yesterday both grocery and Cosco.  It was so weird!  Instead of going outside to have a smoke I stayed with my kids and helped pack the groceries.  While walking back and forth to the car I could smell the smokers passing by! I never knew the smoke followed like that didnt believe it when my kids would complain I smelled like smoke when I got into the car after finishing one.They were right. I know there were times before where I hadn't had a cigarette for several hours and smelling one would light an instant craving in me.  It didn't this time!  One small victory!

I got a call from my doctor's office yesterday not so gently reminding me I was supposed to call and schedule an echocardiogram after I did all my bloodwork.  Well hey I did do the bloodwork they took out so much it was crazy!  I just forgot to call them that's all.  Besides they force me to go in every 3 months anyway to get refills. I would have gone in eventually!  Anyway now I get to go in and have that this morning what fun I have had a heart mummer since I was a kid which is why my ekg's are always off but still they have a need to check.  The bad thing about getting old is you always seem to have to go visit the doc and they are always pushing drugs on you or forcing you to get more tests! Ugh! Yep I am a druggie only my pusher is the doc and my supplier is Walmart pharmacy nowdays.It's the pits I absolutely hate seeing the doc!

Uh oh I want a smoke!  Guess it's time for a shower! Yep it helps too!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Day 4 Sucks

Well great more side effects no one mentions coughing up crap all the time and/or farting!!  I am not safe to be in public either I suddenly let long embarrassing ones loose or I am coughing up mouthfuls of lung slime!. What the heck?? How come no one warned me?? Geez!  All the lying first saying oh the cravings ease so much after 2-3 days.  Fuck that I feel like shit today My chest feels like its on the verge of collapsing inward oh nothing that several smokes wouldn't fix but miserable all the same.  I get headaches and when my nephew comes in  from smoking the smell either makes me gag or makes me want to run and light of 10 at once.I have been cleaning cooking doing things to keep busy but gee! I have always done these things and there are all sorts of built in smoke breaks!   For example my kids love this broccoli/cauliflower casserole I sometimes throw together.  It is the only vegie dish I make that I boil the vegies in along with noodles--and it is just long enough to go outside and have a nice leisurely smoke before I need to go back inside and mix everything together! Ok Deb shut up!!

What gets me most is the farting!!!!  OMG I have never been like this!!  I think it is the deep breathing the quit websites recommend to help curb a craving.  True it does help but I sure cannot go out in public like this!!  Long and LOUD!!If I was a man well several I know I'd probably be proud of that but I am a woman!  I didn't know my body could do that!!!

And the coughing!  All of a sudden it's like I am hacking up a lung!  Hey I though smokers cough was while you were smoking a lot more than usual in a day in a room full of others also smoking more than usual.  This cough just sneaks up and I'd better have a tissue handy!!  Cough cough cough and a mouth full of crud!!  YUK!!!! At least when you get a cold you know you are going to cough and blow your nose a lot but this when you are feeling ok and suddenly it just goes to town!!

I guess today is just an old lady bitch day for me.  I woke up made my coffee and put on today's patch but feel such a sense of loss my constant companion of more than 40 years is dead now--my smokes.  One thing widowhood has taught me is how to get thru a major death like this sure kicking and screaming ranting and raving mourning my great loss...hey I am allowed to break down scream yell this is a death of a long time passion the one who was always there for me.  Yes I liken smoking to one of my greatest relationships I took care of it by buying cigarettes,  lighters, cases to store them in, I brought them everywhere with me.  True we fought--every smoker knows how it gets when you get a cold those suckers are mean and nasty then.   I as every smoker does talked many times about breaking up with them citing health, smells, family and friends begging, and the doctors stern warnings and comments about my smokes.  All the people telling me what a bad relationship it was how it was an abusive one and would wind up killing me! Just like so many bad ones we see in others.  But still with all the ups and downs there were so many good times too like the simple act of sitting outside in the sun enjoying a good book with my smokes.  Such joy!  And they were always there for me when I was so lost and alone. 

This is a death of a bad relationship that lasted far too long..and now it is time for me to reclaim my life and move on!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Day 3 Helppp!

Last night I got so exhausted I found my self dozing off around 7 pm!!  It was either have a smoke or go to I went to bed before 8 wow! This time I didn't wear a patch decided yesterday to tough it with the lozenges and ecig alone so no crazy weird dreams thank goodness! I do wake up a lot at night lol we old ladies have weak bladders so 3 or 4 times a night is not unusual for me.  But still I slept fairly well and got up at my usual time of 5 am feeling pretty good but figured I better use the patch today I really want a smoke!

I kept going on the net yesterday trying to figure out how long the worst is supposed to last.  I keep finding reassuring 2-3 days from  the quit groups but then a big HA! from actual people. Since we all have the same goal I don't get why they are all reassuring and calm instead of being more honest about what we new ex smokers will face.  Hey it's scarey anyway!!  We already know it is going to be a killer undertaking!  Most of us have spent over half our lives or more trying so hard to ignore all the doomsayer facts about what is in those things! Lol that seems to be where a lot of these quit smoking groups go wrong they focus on all these illness we will most likely get or go on endlessly about second hand smoke which if you only smoke outside as I and most smokers I know do does not seem to apply too well..sorry but just because I or someone else is several yards away from you smoking it does not automatically give you or your kids horrible diseases! Inside closed off unventilated places ok I can see a problem. It smells it discolors the walls leaves a reside but outside?  Come on.  LOL it was one of my reasons to continue to smoke all the lies and stupidity the half truths and out and out bull.  Why do they do that?  There is already ample evidence what smoking does.  But research is so often screwed! One thing I have always known as any thinking person does is you can easily twist studies to point in the directions you want.I can state that everyone who takes a shower will die and easily point out facts to prove it.Science is not exact either how many times do they suddenly have to switch gears? Really stupid this 3rd hand smoke and so on.  Lets just stick to simple.  We know smoking is bad for you but generally takes a long time to kill. We know that you simply shouldn't subject others to it so smoke outside or in a well ventilated place like the special smoking rooms at a bingo hall.  Those make sense. Smokers have rights too.  This quitting thing is extremely hard.  I am often going second by second to hold on and am determined to see out a week without a smoke.  But I have to say it is so damn hard!  Childbirth is easier. For goodness sakes I am 57 it would be so much easier to light up to feel the sharp relief of a cigarette!!

Still I have always felt a sense of shame for being so weak. I have found that is true for most of us smokers.  We do not want our kids to get this addiction.  And that is what it is a huge addiction and one of the worse..  see it is not like most addictions personally I have been a food addict, had a mild addiction to crank at one time and always my smokes.  The crank was hard but back then it was obviously wreaking my life so it was doable.  The food thing well overweight diabetic liver problems and so on I was obviously close to the end.  Now the smokes...ok I have devolved asthma but then right now it is more allergy induced kind .  Still I know if I don't stop it will go on to full blown copd.  I have seen too many lugging around oxygen tanks using all sorts of inhalers and then death. And while this is going on they are still smoking unable to stop.  The bingo hall had to set down firm rules about the oxygen tanks in the smoking room. A close friend had huge warnings about smoking on her apartment door because of the oxygen...and yet she was unable to quit. She died. It limits enjoyment of life.  It limits freedom of movement.  She couldn't come and visit because of those damn oxygen tanks!

I see myself going there if I don't stop.  I am well on my way now with the asthma.  Funny it was was just a fatal heart attack while out having fun well to me that wouldn't be bad.  I am at the point where there are more years behind than ahead.  But we are not given the choice of what kind of misery our addictions will cause.I have already been very ill unable to do many things I want to do.  I am better now and I live in dread of going back and if I keep smoking there will soon be a point of no return for me.  I will be one of those lugging an oxygen tank while smoking which is dangerous to all not only myself. I will be one unable to take more than a few steps without being teetered to a machine to help me do the simple basic thing we all need to do   breathe.

I will be a burden to my kids unable to do much for them or anyone which is my greatest fear.  I need to be useful. When it comes where I will no longer be able to care for myself where all I will ever do is get worse because of my smoking addiction....that thought is unbearable. I have to stop.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 2

Ugh! Just woke up such weird dreams! So of course I read the label on my patch and gee it warns of vivid dreams and suggests taking the patch off before bed if you encounter that problem.  Duhhh! Actually the makers of so many quit smoking products have obviously never smoked and don't have a clue to real life!  Take my lozenges I bought them for desperate times like right after a meal but after you buy them and read the label it says you have to wait 15 minutes AFTER you eat to use them!  WTF??? Ok my bad I should have carefully looked up all the information on the internet but hey!  it freaked me out just buying the stuff!!!! To me it meant I was going to do this!

Thinking back to age 13 when I first started sneaking an occasional smoke not from my Mom but with other kids my Mother hated smoking.  It didn't make me sick and was much better than sneaking a taste of beer.  But I really got into smoking about the age of 16.  Seemed back then that everyone smoked teachers, doctors darn near everyone.  A kid could easily buy cigarettes at the gas station or even several store by saying their parents sent them.  People even smoked in grocery stores back then! I remember being a kid going to the doctor for an exam and he would light up his pipe while talking to my Mother.I took right away to full time smoking and many of my close friends were also smokers.  We'd sneak into the boy's bathroom at school to light up or go across the street to Kmart cafeteria as long as we bought something and behaved ourselves they didnt care if we were cutting school back then.  We'd go to some fast food places and smoke to.  Elegance for us was going to a coffee shop and having coffee with our smokes we'd stay for hours talking with groups of other kids going in and out.  Hey it was a great way to find out where the best parties where!

Cigarettes cost a quarter or less but at times that was hard to come by so we bought some of the cheaper yuk brands the mini cigars, bummed what we could from strangers and smoking parents. Yes I have been know to do crazy desperate things for my smokes--digging in couch cushions for change,  looking for soda bottles to turn in and even walking 2 miles at 3 am because I was out! They become so much of your life and you also have to make sure you have something to light them with!  Have you ever seen a sadder face than one of a smoker holding a cigarette with no way to light it?

Today smoking almost makes you a target of hate crimes and those commercials on tv sure don't help!  They actually made me so mad I always went right out and lit a smoke when they came on.  It angers me that they go on about cigarette companies lies and propaganda but do even worse in those ads.  Come on a child is going to hack up half a lung and need oxygen because some guy lights a smoke several feet away? A whole apartment building is contaminated because of a smoker? Real factual info ok that makes people think but these are all ridiculous even most non smokers will agree they are stupid. well except for a few that now want to demand smoking be banned in their neighbors backyards!!!!  It is not even the neighbors who smoke it is their guests!  Really stupid!  Even without anyone ever smoking we all know there are loads of pollutants in the air!  I really have had no problem going outside to smoke and during the warm months I actually enjoyed it and would stay out for hours with my books and smokes. I have seen the build up on walls of a house from years of smoking true BUT short term exposure while outside? Come on!! You may hate the smell but there are many things we hate the smell of.  Some colognes choke me make me wheeze cough eyes run etc but I can't ban them.  I simply move away from the offending smell. A few feet makes a world of difference.

And don't get me started on all the extra taxes smokers pay!  For what? Quit smoking products cost as much as smoking does and no there are not as many free as people are led to believe.  I think all the money goe to the states to help with all their problems and left over is for phone in smoking programs that are so understaffed you can't reach anyone or else get disconnected.  Oh and to appease whoever they dole out a small amount for those stupid commercials!  They could do so much better! Even the ones of the old man wailing about his wife aren't good enough why not ones showing such strong vibrant men as my Bob was real people real families who suffer so much by this horrible addiction?  He was only 46.  There are many stories like that.  We all know we will die someday so old people moaning we think well they had 50 years together yes still sad but doesn't all of us have an expiration date? They need to focus more on people we can identify with younger people in their 30's 40's and even some in their 50's all the ages we do not expect them to die yet.  Focus on smokers like my Bob with a wife and 2 teens that desperately needed him.  Life stories are what make people pause and think not lies and propaganda..

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Random Musings

After more than 40 years today I am becoming an ex smoker.  I am leaving my longest relationship who has been with me thru the ups and downs of my life.  This is hard.  With my cigarettes I got thru my husband's death from cancer.  When I couldn't sleep they were my companion, when I cried they comforted me, when I had tough hard decisions to make they sharpened my mind.  With my smokes I could always take a minute to think I had an excuse a reason to step back, go outside surround myself in a cloud of smoke and clearly decided what needed to be done next.

For example when my husband of 21 years was in intensive care I had to go to the back room with my teenage children and some family members to hear the doctors talk about how my beloved Bob had a less than 10% chance of making it out of ICU.  It was so crazy we just found out about the cancer the week before.  He'd been sick for a while and we kept going back and forth to doctors getting tests being told it was nothing and then wham! a diagnose of death no reprieve no hope stage 4 so on.  The world spun in strange insane circles a horrifying crazy ride I wanted off so much to hide to go back just a few months to when we were happy with normal day to day problems.I blacked out once with all the stress but knew I had to take charge for my kids for all the people looking at me, for my husband most of all.  So I went outside smoked a few cigarettes and calmed enough to do what had to be done.  With the help of my cigarettes I was able to take charge to be there.  He was in the ICU for a week and I was there for him and my cigarettes were there for me.  They were always there I could always rely on them for a few moments of peace.

He did make it out and was able to come home for a few good months and they were good even with all the chemo.  We were able to spend time together no we rarely talked about his upcoming death just a few things occasionally like him mentioning a song he wanted to be played at his funereal or his worry about me.  That freakin ass! He was in constant pain and suffering and all he worried about was me being able to go on and survive and life well without him! Even when we finally said ok to hospice and they came to our home to talk to us he still insisted he could go on for a few months until I was ready.  I knew then I had to convice him the kids and I would be fine.  With my cigarettes with the help from them I was able to say goodbye and let go of  the love of my life.

Widowhood has been so hard.  I was already very heavy and gained even more went up over 300lbs with my grief and I am only 5'6!  I wonder how much bigger I would have gotten without my smokes. They kept me sane thru long endless nights alone my only companion.  True I became very ill and expected to die myself soon which would have been a relief so many times all I wanted was a fatal heart attack or a bus to run over me and end all the pain but I had to go on.  I learned how to make short term goals--like a new book I wanted to read and long term ones like getting my daughter thru high school. Somehow with the help of my smokes I did accomplish these things and more.

A little over a year after his death I knew we needed to make a change to move from our home of 16 years.  My Bob had died there and I knew I would soon follow if I didn't change things.  So with the help of my sisters Kathy and Sylvia and my brother Tony my kids and I moved to where we now live. Here I only smoked outside before I would smoke in my bedroom but here I was terrified my kids who never smoked hated smoking would get lung cancer as their father did.  So outside was just fine.  It's really kind of silly going out when its so hot or freezing cold, in the rain or heavy blowing wind but I did it so many times each day. I usually had my last cigarette of the day around 9 or so and during winter months it is cold!!! Freezing I have to put on a sweater, a hoodie and a jacket just to go out and smoke!!! Insane the lengths I'd go!

The kids and I muddled around it was so hard we barely survived.  Money was almost non existant my son was working full time while going to college, my daughter managed to get some financial aid but I still smoked!!  I was getting worse and worse.  Finally I was able to get widow's and went to the doctor to find I was now a diabetic with serious fatty liver problems along with my already existing health problems--psoriasis,  psoraic arthritis ms....and never diagnosed but also severe depression.  My blood pressure was high enough to need medicine.  I could barely walk because of the psoriasis all over my feet along with being severely obese. I expected to die soon I was failing my kids...but throughout it all I still smoked and I smoked heavily.I developed asthma.  My allergies sometimes became severe. Yet I still smoked.

It is so funny the way things work.  I had forgotten what it was like to smile to feel happy all I knew was illness and pain.  Pain and grief after 2 years still no relief no reprieve.  I refused to have a tree for Christmas, no presents nothing.  Holidays which once had given me such joy were grim reminders of my loss. I even tried drinking to ease the pain but it just doesn't work for me never been much of a drinker true I enjoy one when I go out but sitting at home getting drunk holds no appeal for me.  All I had was my smokes.

My sister Sylvia and her son Ben decided to take us out to Olive Garden for a Christmas even dinner lol they insisted.  Our whole family gets together on Christmas and yes I'd go but mostly stayed outside smoking.  This was different.  Sylvia insisted I order a chocolate martini to celebrate.  It was so funny for the first time in more than 2 years I smiled laughed and felt happy!  Silly thing.  My old dear friends Rick and Diane tracked me down and started calling.  That made me happy.  I was finally able to start losing a few pounds that was shocking!  Somehow I have managed to lose 180lbs and I have kept it off for 5 years now.  But I still smoked. Smoking has been my life full time since I was 16 I have never tried to quit before knew it was impossible.The longest I have ever gone without a smoke was in the hospital for a few days and as soon as I was released I lit up. I have since refused to be hospitalized 2 times when they wanted me to stay because of my smoking addiction. Really upsetting for my kids!

Life goes on I am happy again.  I have lost some dear friends over the years but made some new ones too. Now I am undertaking the hardest thing of all to be an ex smoker.  Smoking limits where I can go.  It takes all my available cash. My close friend, Rick quit a week ago and has challenged me so we are in this together.  I want to do this so much!  With the money saved I can realize a dream go to Scotland to visit my dear on line friend Jackie-- we met her on tagged and Rick and I are both wanting to go visit her and her beautiful country.  One day one minute sometimes one second I need to keep plugging along to reach my goal as life has taught me.  Figure when I badly need a smoke I can post in this blog so I won't bore all my friends and family lol.  I have patches and lozenges to help me.  I also have an old electronic cigarette but it is not working properly which is too bad I seem to need to oral thing.  Day 1 and holding!  I can do this!!!!