Day 3 Helppp!

Last night I got so exhausted I found my self dozing off around 7 pm!!  It was either have a smoke or go to bed..so I went to bed before 8 wow! This time I didn't wear a patch decided yesterday to tough it with the lozenges and ecig alone so no crazy weird dreams thank goodness! I do wake up a lot at night lol we old ladies have weak bladders so 3 or 4 times a night is not unusual for me.  But still I slept fairly well and got up at my usual time of 5 am feeling pretty good but figured I better use the patch today I really want a smoke!

I kept going on the net yesterday trying to figure out how long the worst is supposed to last.  I keep finding reassuring 2-3 days from  the quit groups but then a big HA! from actual people. Since we all have the same goal I don't get why they are all reassuring and calm instead of being more honest about what we new ex smokers will face.  Hey it's scarey anyway!!  We already know it is going to be a killer undertaking!  Most of us have spent over half our lives or more trying so hard to ignore all the doomsayer facts about what is in those things! Lol that seems to be where a lot of these quit smoking groups go wrong they focus on all these illness we will most likely get or go on endlessly about second hand smoke which if you only smoke outside as I and most smokers I know do does not seem to apply too well..sorry but just because I or someone else is several yards away from you smoking it does not automatically give you or your kids horrible diseases! Inside closed off unventilated places ok I can see a problem. It smells it discolors the walls leaves a reside but outside?  Come on.  LOL it was one of my reasons to continue to smoke all the lies and stupidity the half truths and out and out bull.  Why do they do that?  There is already ample evidence what smoking does.  But research is so often screwed! One thing I have always known as any thinking person does is you can easily twist studies to point in the directions you want.I can state that everyone who takes a shower will die and easily point out facts to prove it.Science is not exact either how many times do they suddenly have to switch gears? Really stupid this 3rd hand smoke and so on.  Lets just stick to simple.  We know smoking is bad for you but generally takes a long time to kill. We know that you simply shouldn't subject others to it so smoke outside or in a well ventilated place like the special smoking rooms at a bingo hall.  Those make sense. Smokers have rights too.  This quitting thing is extremely hard.  I am often going second by second to hold on and am determined to see out a week without a smoke.  But I have to say it is so damn hard!  Childbirth is easier. For goodness sakes I am 57 it would be so much easier to light up to feel the sharp relief of a cigarette!!

Still I have always felt a sense of shame for being so weak. I have found that is true for most of us smokers.  We do not want our kids to get this addiction.  And that is what it is a huge addiction and one of the worse..  see it is not like most addictions personally I have been a food addict, had a mild addiction to crank at one time and always my smokes.  The crank was hard but back then it was obviously wreaking my life so it was doable.  The food thing well overweight diabetic liver problems and so on I was obviously close to the end.  Now the smokes...ok I have devolved asthma but then right now it is more allergy induced kind .  Still I know if I don't stop it will go on to full blown copd.  I have seen too many lugging around oxygen tanks using all sorts of inhalers and then death. And while this is going on they are still smoking unable to stop.  The bingo hall had to set down firm rules about the oxygen tanks in the smoking room. A close friend had huge warnings about smoking on her apartment door because of the oxygen...and yet she was unable to quit. She died. It limits enjoyment of life.  It limits freedom of movement.  She couldn't come and visit because of those damn oxygen tanks!

I see myself going there if I don't stop.  I am well on my way now with the asthma.  Funny it was was just a fatal heart attack while out having fun well to me that wouldn't be bad.  I am at the point where there are more years behind than ahead.  But we are not given the choice of what kind of misery our addictions will cause.I have already been very ill unable to do many things I want to do.  I am better now and I live in dread of going back and if I keep smoking there will soon be a point of no return for me.  I will be one of those lugging an oxygen tank while smoking which is dangerous to all not only myself. I will be one unable to take more than a few steps without being teetered to a machine to help me do the simple basic thing we all need to do   breathe.

I will be a burden to my kids unable to do much for them or anyone which is my greatest fear.  I need to be useful. When it comes where I will no longer be able to care for myself where all I will ever do is get worse because of my smoking addiction....that thought is unbearable. I have to stop.