After more than 40 years today I am becoming an ex smoker. I am leaving my longest relationship who has been with me thru the ups and downs of my life. This is hard. With my cigarettes I got thru my husband's death from cancer. When I couldn't sleep they were my companion, when I cried they comforted me, when I had tough hard decisions to make they sharpened my mind. With my smokes I could always take a minute to think I had an excuse a reason to step back, go outside surround myself in a cloud of smoke and clearly decided what needed to be done next.
For example when my husband of 21 years was in intensive care I had to go to the back room with my teenage children and some family members to hear the doctors talk about how my beloved Bob had a less than 10% chance of making it out of ICU. It was so crazy we just found out about the cancer the week before. He'd been sick for a while and we kept going back and forth to doctors getting tests being told it was nothing and then wham! a diagnose of death no reprieve no hope stage 4 so on. The world spun in strange insane circles a horrifying crazy ride I wanted off so much to hide to go back just a few months to when we were happy with normal day to day problems.I blacked out once with all the stress but knew I had to take charge for my kids for all the people looking at me, for my husband most of all. So I went outside smoked a few cigarettes and calmed enough to do what had to be done. With the help of my cigarettes I was able to take charge to be there. He was in the ICU for a week and I was there for him and my cigarettes were there for me. They were always there I could always rely on them for a few moments of peace.
He did make it out and was able to come home for a few good months and they were good even with all the chemo. We were able to spend time together no we rarely talked about his upcoming death just a few things occasionally like him mentioning a song he wanted to be played at his funereal or his worry about me. That freakin ass! He was in constant pain and suffering and all he worried about was me being able to go on and survive and life well without him! Even when we finally said ok to hospice and they came to our home to talk to us he still insisted he could go on for a few months until I was ready. I knew then I had to convice him the kids and I would be fine. With my cigarettes with the help from them I was able to say goodbye and let go of the love of my life.
Widowhood has been so hard. I was already very heavy and gained even more went up over 300lbs with my grief and I am only 5'6! I wonder how much bigger I would have gotten without my smokes. They kept me sane thru long endless nights alone my only companion. True I became very ill and expected to die myself soon which would have been a relief so many times all I wanted was a fatal heart attack or a bus to run over me and end all the pain but I had to go on. I learned how to make short term goals--like a new book I wanted to read and long term ones like getting my daughter thru high school. Somehow with the help of my smokes I did accomplish these things and more.
A little over a year after his death I knew we needed to make a change to move from our home of 16 years. My Bob had died there and I knew I would soon follow if I didn't change things. So with the help of my sisters Kathy and Sylvia and my brother Tony my kids and I moved to where we now live. Here I only smoked outside before I would smoke in my bedroom but here I was terrified my kids who never smoked hated smoking would get lung cancer as their father did. So outside was just fine. It's really kind of silly going out when its so hot or freezing cold, in the rain or heavy blowing wind but I did it so many times each day. I usually had my last cigarette of the day around 9 or so and during winter months it is cold!!! Freezing I have to put on a sweater, a hoodie and a jacket just to go out and smoke!!! Insane the lengths I'd go!
The kids and I muddled around it was so hard we barely survived. Money was almost non existant my son was working full time while going to college, my daughter managed to get some financial aid but I still smoked!! I was getting worse and worse. Finally I was able to get widow's and went to the doctor to find I was now a diabetic with serious fatty liver problems along with my already existing health problems--psoriasis, psoraic arthritis ms....and never diagnosed but also severe depression. My blood pressure was high enough to need medicine. I could barely walk because of the psoriasis all over my feet along with being severely obese. I expected to die soon I was failing my kids...but throughout it all I still smoked and I smoked heavily.I developed asthma. My allergies sometimes became severe. Yet I still smoked.
It is so funny the way things work. I had forgotten what it was like to smile to feel happy all I knew was illness and pain. Pain and grief after 2 years still no relief no reprieve. I refused to have a tree for Christmas, no presents nothing. Holidays which once had given me such joy were grim reminders of my loss. I even tried drinking to ease the pain but it just doesn't work for me never been much of a drinker true I enjoy one when I go out but sitting at home getting drunk holds no appeal for me. All I had was my smokes.
My sister Sylvia and her son Ben decided to take us out to Olive Garden for a Christmas even dinner lol they insisted. Our whole family gets together on Christmas and yes I'd go but mostly stayed outside smoking. This was different. Sylvia insisted I order a chocolate martini to celebrate. It was so funny for the first time in more than 2 years I smiled laughed and felt happy! Silly thing. My old dear friends Rick and Diane tracked me down and started calling. That made me happy. I was finally able to start losing a few pounds that was shocking! Somehow I have managed to lose 180lbs and I have kept it off for 5 years now. But I still smoked. Smoking has been my life full time since I was 16 I have never tried to quit before knew it was impossible.The longest I have ever gone without a smoke was in the hospital for a few days and as soon as I was released I lit up. I have since refused to be hospitalized 2 times when they wanted me to stay because of my smoking addiction. Really upsetting for my kids!
Life goes on I am happy again. I have lost some dear friends over the years but made some new ones too. Now I am undertaking the hardest thing of all to be an ex smoker. Smoking limits where I can go. It takes all my available cash. My close friend, Rick quit a week ago and has challenged me so we are in this together. I want to do this so much! With the money saved I can realize a dream go to Scotland to visit my dear on line friend Jackie-- we met her on tagged and Rick and I are both wanting to go visit her and her beautiful country. One day one minute sometimes one second I need to keep plugging along to reach my goal as life has taught me. Figure when I badly need a smoke I can post in this blog so I won't bore all my friends and family lol. I have patches and lozenges to help me. I also have an old electronic cigarette but it is not working properly which is too bad I seem to need to oral thing. Day 1 and holding! I can do this!!!!
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