Day 4 Sucks

Well great more side effects no one mentions coughing up crap all the time and/or farting!!  I am not safe to be in public either I suddenly let long embarrassing ones loose or I am coughing up mouthfuls of lung slime!. What the heck?? How come no one warned me?? Geez!  All the lying first saying oh the cravings ease so much after 2-3 days.  Fuck that I feel like shit today My chest feels like its on the verge of collapsing inward oh nothing that several smokes wouldn't fix but miserable all the same.  I get headaches and when my nephew comes in  from smoking the smell either makes me gag or makes me want to run and light of 10 at once.I have been cleaning cooking doing things to keep busy but gee! I have always done these things and there are all sorts of built in smoke breaks!   For example my kids love this broccoli/cauliflower casserole I sometimes throw together.  It is the only vegie dish I make that I boil the vegies in along with noodles--and it is just long enough to go outside and have a nice leisurely smoke before I need to go back inside and mix everything together! Ok Deb shut up!!


What gets me most is the farting!!!!  OMG I have never been like this!!  I think it is the deep breathing the quit websites recommend to help curb a craving.  True it does help but I sure cannot go out in public like this!!  Long and LOUD!!If I was a man well several I know I'd probably be proud of that but I am a woman!  I didn't know my body could do that!!!

And the coughing!  All of a sudden it's like I am hacking up a lung!  Hey I though smokers cough was while you were smoking a lot more than usual in a day in a room full of others also smoking more than usual.  This cough just sneaks up and I'd better have a tissue handy!!  Cough cough cough and a mouth full of crud!!  YUK!!!! At least when you get a cold you know you are going to cough and blow your nose a lot but this when you are feeling ok and suddenly it just goes to town!!

I guess today is just an old lady bitch day for me.  I woke up made my coffee and put on today's patch but feel such a sense of loss my constant companion of more than 40 years is dead now--my smokes.  One thing widowhood has taught me is how to get thru a major death like this sure kicking and screaming ranting and raving mourning my great loss...hey I am allowed to break down scream yell this is a death of a long time passion the one who was always there for me.  Yes I liken smoking to one of my greatest relationships I took care of it by buying cigarettes,  lighters, cases to store them in, I brought them everywhere with me.  True we fought--every smoker knows how it gets when you get a cold those suckers are mean and nasty then.   I as every smoker does talked many times about breaking up with them citing health, smells, family and friends begging, and the doctors stern warnings and comments about my smokes.  All the people telling me what a bad relationship it was how it was an abusive one and would wind up killing me! Just like so many bad ones we see in others.  But still with all the ups and downs there were so many good times too like the simple act of sitting outside in the sun enjoying a good book with my smokes.  Such joy!  And they were always there for me when I was so lost and alone. 

This is a death of a bad relationship that lasted far too long..and now it is time for me to reclaim my life and move on!